I just got through waxing philosophical with my boy so I'm in a mood for talking. Mekhi's back there zoned out on Garfield (well, he's asleep now that I'm editing it) and I'm listening to this song over and over ... like I've been since I popped it in by accident on Sunday morning while driving to church.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6EdJn-WzaA
Seriously. Listen to this song. It's powerful and pure. Honest.
I'll go a little colloquial for this one so imagine my semi-New York accident and ride with me.
During everything leading up to me playing this song I really felt like the female lead in one of those Tyler Perry movies. You know TP goes in on them. They get spit on by the husband's side chic .. while chic is wearing her jewerly .. husband pulls of the remaining jewelry off her arm .. drags her out .. stripped clothes .. but naked -- locks the door. And throws out 10 bucks for cab fare. Door slams. Lol. You know how he goes in for that extra dramatic effect.
Feeling like that though. I mean - this was my son's mother; telling ME - I love him more than I ever loved you in the 2 weeks? Or maybe it's over their 5 year best friendship, idk.
Word? And we been on this 7 years and planned everything together? 2 weeks yall been talking? (Kikeh you don't listen .. stop being so narrow minded)
Touche, .. we were on and off .. but on it nonetheless.
Telling me .. don't you think it's disrespectful to my husband when you talk about working things out? How would you feel if you were him? What !! Matter of fact, from now on our communications should be strictly formal ! ... Formal !?
WORD !! That's like my Mom's telling me ... Formal.
Now understand this - the plan (at least in my eyes) was that I'd try to set things up here, hold down little man while she made that money and we'd bring it all back to the pot eventually.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5srnNrICJo. Captures all the complications and sentiments pretty accurately.
So documents she would have normally co-signed with me --- she's saying - it's very likely me and my husband will have to co-sign that one. Word ? (lifts eyebrows like the Roc). I wrote these long speeches about the importance of keeping our family as a unit, love, forgiveness, compassion etc .. and she writes back in 3-4 sentences .. keep on writing; you're only convincing me that I'm making the right decision. What I'ma do .. play it cool and just let Mekhi's Mom just walk away from us like that? Or speak up? Maybe I just ain't that smooth .. oh well.
Insert Prayer for patience.
She says .. I don't have time for this - you got anything else for me? Cause you might as well call me Mrs. ... . Told you boy, formal communications about Mekhi; only. What's with all this emotional stuff? I'm like -- Damn homie - we just had marriage counseling set up for a few days before you told all me this. This is ME your talking to like that.
And you know how it can get when the new cats comes in - smug tone and all - like .. this is ME?..lol. I hear you man. But who are YOU?
I SAY what I want, brah. This is Me! Lol. You dont own ME !! GET OVER IT. MOVE ON.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2EwViQxSJJQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Co0tTeuUVhU
Woooord? As soon as I say the words "us", "work it out", "family" .. she's like - Maan. I dont have time for this. My mind's telling me - you can't win this one brah. And my talkative a** brain aint pumping no words for this one. Mouth dry saying the same dumb things over and over. Smh. I'm choking up talking to YOU. To YOU; fam!! Crazy world this is.
My ears, brain and mouth .. all out of synch. And these three normally operate at top ballad dancer quality. Smh. God gave y'all some power ladies.
Sampson and Delilah type power.
12 th round, brother - you're still arguing w her while she's telling you she's due for a few hours conversation w the new cat (nick name and all). Matter of fact, why are you calling him by his full name .. use his nick name. It's cute aint it?
She needs a laugh and you're boring/frustrating her with all this emotional talk. Daaamn. No spit to even swallow. Pssssh.
Can't front. If you talked to me 3 weeks ago, I would have agreed with you that people were just looking for something palatable to base their anger about Lebron James' "Decision" when they said it was the way he did it that got them upset more so than the fact that he did it. I definitely would have agreed back then. I would have agreed that no matter how he presented it, people would have been just as upset.
It's really just because he left. But after this experience ...Maaaan, presentation, presentation, presentation.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQJJjcrwX
It goes a long way.
Infact, her original plan was to tell me about all this stuff .... get this - after the fact. And I'm thinking like .. ????? Kikeh, you think this is tough. Imagine how many bricks would have hit you on that one. Liable to literally make a man go crazy. Seriously, we were just discussing marriage counseling a few days ago .. nah? And if I'm wrong, at least give my Moms a heads up. She's been on your tip since day one. You stayed in her house. She's stayed in yours .. you two talked about praying for us etc.. and all the other details that's for us to know. At least say, Ma'am. These are the things that are going on in my life .. I know what we've been through with Kikeh but I'd like to give you the respect of letting you know ... blah blah blah. Say that to her before you even say a word to me. Little stuff like that ... Nah shorty told her best friend .. told me .. and shot the video out to everyone .. same day - damn near.
End of the day though, you marry because of the things you want and need. So can't hold her too tough for her call. I don't know her details on that one.
Another thing though, .... I did have an interesting discussion with her .. through letters and over the phone about the things I had gone through since she first told me about her marriage. I had to sincerely reassess my own self. Because this was the closest adult person in my life. Closer to me than my mother. Going in hard like that - How good a person can you be if this, the closest person to you can come at you like that? And she's a good human being too.
Must be something you were doing, K. Makes sense. Definitely was not walking in God's light at that time. After all the agony, I gave it all to God.
More for my own soul though. Like I said, if this is coming from a person who loves and honors God, imagine what you would have gotten from a less compassionate person .. has to be a reflection of how she sees you man. Committed my life to Christ .. starting focusing more on my own trinity - Mind, Body and Spirit - trying to align them with Christ's.
One of the revelations that came to me through my prayers was the importance of family. Look what I had just done .. through all my years of stutter stepping and treating her like she'd always be there .. I'd driven my son's mother to the edge of our love and put her in the space to welcome the love of another. I had just basically thrown my own family away. 7 years man - coulda pulled to trigger anytime - now you're tripping over 2 weeks? Smh.
I really did not want to be yet another generation with fathers who had children by more than one woman. Understand though , I wasn't just saying let's work this out because of the kid. It wasn't that simple. It was more .. there's a trinity (goes that word again) of love here that's too powerful for us not to at least explore a little bit more. Maybe put the wedding off for a few months and let's think about this. I love my son stand alone. I love his Mom stand alone. But I also love his Mom because she is his mother. And I would love her even more because of my love for Mekhi (Make sure lil man see his Mom's happy and learn how to treat women from his Old-School Dad).
Mekhi would have the same type of love for us both in his capacity. And she the same. That's how our love for each other as a unit would work .. it would ecosystem itself - so that speak.
Her response - If I married you I'd be too focused on you and Mekhi to focus on myself. My husband now has me operating at my full potential and I'm focusing on myself and operating in God's light as I should ... Hmmm? ? Scratches head. She went over my head on that one. Soooo .. focusing on me and Mekhi is a bad thing? I'm starting to get that Homer Simpson syndrome at this time cause the stuff sounds good but it's not making complete sense. Maybe I'm not enlightened enough in my walk w God at this point.
As soon as I pull out the old logic book though .. she saids .. listen - I dont have time for this.
The whole time I'm thinking .. you're making a decison for generations of people .. and you wont stop to just reconsider it for a minute. Why the rush? Especially since, she just told me about a week and a lotta times ago that after loving me she could never love another and would just as soon die single. Or since we were discussing that marriage counseling thing a few days ago? Homie probably posted waiting for his call while I'm over here solving algorithms like .. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y96mdVTMByk
Damn .. Mekhi's going to have step brothers and step sisters. She says - well this could be a perfect family if you just stop being so negative about it. We could all be one big happy family. Hmmm ??? - Maybe I'm too selfish or just not sanctified enough.
I'm still thinking we can really build something solid here. Not like we don't have the foundation? But she kept her eyes on the prize and that was that. Army kats call it a "NO GO !". You were 7 years and a few days late, brah. Let it go.
"One more thiiing !!! " You gotta watch those Jackie Chan cartoons to get that.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AcmpjIfb0OQ. Mekhi spazzes on these :)
See, the last time she was deployed, we went through another dry spell. She started talking to some other cat - smashed the homie and was talking the same marriage bizness. I think this one was just a move in though. Not sure.
Even though we were technically broken up .. I begged shortie not to make that move .. little less than this time tho - yet, she still took my lil man to "Maryland" to "visit" my Moms .. but made sure to leave him there and stop thru Baltimore to visit homie. Learned the details a little later. Learned about the whole plan for moving in .. near -- whatever. (Stomach spins at the thought).
But we patched it up when she came back home a few months later. Kept it pushing. That did play a small role in my own hesistance though. Is it just a marriage thing? Or is it really me? Then she'd say .. It's always you and I cant see it being anyone else. That was just something I did to find myself. Now don't get me wrong .. I wasn't a saint either .. but every chic I was with during our break-up knew her and damn near adviced me to marry her. And dudes think this makes it all ok? .. our twisted self logic. This is where that type of thinking gets you. That's why we need God. Cause those things really make sense when you're in a certain space that's out of his circle.
This new one adds up with that old one, though, in a way that honestly gives me some concern for her mindframe. Little concern though - I think she wants to be a wife and will be a good one to whichever "right" one is willing to step off with her first. Not a bad thing .. Us dudes make it sound bad sometimes but you really can't knock a woman for saying outright .. "I just want to be married." It's almost like taboo for a female to outright say that these days.. imo. Or maybe she just really loves this new kid like she says. Who knows but them two. Can't call these things w people. Rules of arithmetic are suspended with emotions and spirituality. 1+1 does not always = 2. Homie did just lose his JO though .. and I'm hoping that has no part to play in that. For all my doubts, I trust her instincts. Lil naive at times, but sharp chic overall. So we'll pray for the best.
But back to this story .. told y'all it wasn't going to be too much focus on her from now on. But sometimes you have to sweep before you vacuum.
So it's father's day - I'm driving in the car she left here. Popped in this CD - Shekinayah something. Pain in my SOUL. My body is shaken. Everything I knew about my own manhood - disconfirmed in the worst way by the only person who confirm or disconfirm it enough to matter. Mekhi in the background needing attention so I'm forced to crack some jokes to make him smile. None of the cds I usually enjoy are saying anything I want to hear. 1st track that comes on that Shekinayah CD is "How Deeply I Need You Track". At that time, my soul was empty man -- and everything I have left just drained into God. Soul Vomit if you want to imagine it. My heart went out to God in that car man. And that song said, perfectly .. words I could not conjure up but desperately needed to communicate to God. Powerful song fam. I'll said it again and again all day.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6EdJn-WzaA
Me and Mekhi straggle on into the church after I made more than a few wrong turns. Just in time for a few songs and the sermon. The Pastor's going in about family, fathers, family etc. Everywhere I look, all I see is families. It almost seemed like there was nothing but sets of 3's in there .. God be having jokes sometimes man. Wasn't even funny though, Lord. I was hurting man. Bet the angels were up there laughing like .. awwww - That's sweet. He'll get over it though.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZ3lr3urgDU
I'm straight weeping behind Mekhi's back. Had to prop him up in front of me so he can't see me crying. Wiping tears on his back frontin like I'm rubbing his shirt. Pastor calls up for those who want to recommitt their life to Christ .. my hands just propped themselves up. Just imagine that single mother whose been through so much in life ... you know that demeanor. That was me .. Mekhi in one hand .. other in the air .. like .. you got that God. I'm done. Normally I'm too cool for stuff like that. Keep up that arrogance .. you'll learn. Dont worry.
So I walk up there .. and everytime the Pastor comes near me .. my eyes start leaking heavy. Almost like my brain was looking for attention from this cat. That's another grown man brah .. know you having females trouble but this crying bizness has got to stop, K. Not sexy :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nq1kCyrX71M
He finally comes near me and I manage to weep out .. Man - I really need to talk to someone. He makes an announcement later about what I said to him. Says that the brother who told him that should contact his secretary later. Now I gotta walk down the Isle of shame and empathy because everyone over there knows it was me who said that .. Mekhi's in one arm so I can't even front wiping the tears away .. lol. But she get's that though man. I put her through a lot myself.
Long story short, I come home after all that - pop in my email .. I get a letter from my landlord - Condo's been sold. You gotta vacate in 2 months.
Now I'm thinking ... this is a sign. If I tell her .. she might see it that way too.
Brain selling me out at this time - thinking crazy. :)
Fiend out .. I get her on the phone --- She's like - This guy !! ... You better pull your panties up and figure out your next move, boy. And if me and my husband need to co-sign anything for you .. always - we got you, Kikeh. You family.
Damn .. is this going to ever end? Remember though .. the whole co-sign thing is because our plans were linked and she is our primary financier. Basically, most of the money I'm seeing comes from her while I work this new internship and http://www.iconmanagementinc.com/
set things up while taking care of Mekhi. So I need her for these things.
Did some research and praying .. then started to consider my options. The Atlanta job market is really tough right now. The internship .. meh - It's a good thing .. but they probably wont hire you immediately after it's complete. Top it off .. agents are basically babysitters to these athletes. Imagine dude talking to me about his money ...Mekhi pulling the phone from my ear like .. Daddy! Daddy! Juice!! I mean, it could work with good planning and all .. but this current situation was not the environment for that kinda call .. so I thought about the other apps I sent out in Atl.
Stay in Atl waiting by the phone for one of those 75 applications I sent out to call back? 1 year lease considerations et all? Or move on up out of here? But where?
Maryland! Family's there .. you can crash somewhere .. work a security gig at night. Professional hunt at day (or on the security job :) .. nah just playing)
But seriously, I mean; really get on your griz and hope that Master's degree is worth something in this economy. Teach or something. Find a permeable system that you can work your way through .. Good teacher, Good Admin, Good Principal? Good exec? Hmm .. possible. You need some money now though .. anything she gives you over Mekhi's basics has to stop. NOW.
If you'da just forgot about this dumb Internship and gone to Italy earlier, none of .... (thoughts like that always pop us just to poke fun at the kid.. smh)
Overall though, I made up my mind to go to Maryland. Especially after considering what was absolutely best for Mekhi.
A) In Atl, you're mostly by yourself and things are looking grim out here. No real support system and you're kind down on yourself right now. Best thing for him in this situation is to swallow it and send him to his Mom and Ole boy if you're going to stay here.
B) MD? Where will I stay? I'd have to send Mekhi again anyway .. can't take this little boy in Jason's living room till you get situated? Got some good advice on the topic and popped in that cd again. Decided that Mekhi would go to his Mom and I would push on to Maryland till I could stand tall enough to get him back. Also, this allows me to cut off the need for all funding from her. Can't be having this chic and her man send me money ?!! Man pride? Whatever .. that's how I felt.
God's answer) God worked some miracles once I honestly opened myself to the possibility that Mekhi would have to stay with her because it would be best for him right now .. all of a sudden, things opened up (specifically because I was explaining my reasons for that decision to his catalyst for this call).
Space and situation opened up so that I would be able to bring him. Hand to hand transaction based on bonded words with no paperwork needed. No husband or benefactor signature required for this one ... Wheew !! Sun is starting to come back out man. Finally!!! Thank you, Lord. Spot is very comfortable too. Good space for Mekhi to be himself. 3-4-5-6 month terms. I can do it.
And with all the support I have over there. I can take him and feel comfortable that MD is actually the best situation for him. Me and my entire family vs. her and her new guy overseas? Ball goes to me and my family for best situation for Mekhi right now.
Understand man -- I dropped my job and did a strong bid for Mekhi as my role in this. Else we would not have been able to keep Mekhi in Washington with us. Yeah it got me on the opposite side of the gender typicals. But is what it is. Sometimes we all have to swim upstream.
I think she got married today or it going to tomorrow. Not sure .. but saw the name changes on facebook so it's pretty much a done deal. I'm actually at peace with it now.
Question: I had to delete comments she posted on my page and delete the friend thing ... because I'm just setting myself up for seeing that name everytime she posts something. Trying not to be petty, but you gotta be honest with yourself sometimes. That's a bit much for right now. Wilding or not?
End of it all though, I'm moving to MD sometime in the middle of next month. Got a comfortable and secure place waiting for me and the little man. Got a bunch of family eargely exicted the see him.
Linked with some professionals with good contacts in the school systems over there .. might give Montgomery or PG county schools a try for starters. Maybe something related to data analysis of student tendencies (cool posting I saw today), something professional admin related, or straight up teach. I'd be a killer teacher .. mind you :).
That's the next step .... I do wish shortie the best of luck though. Because the only other pain I can experience after all this is said and done is seeing her broken again. So I def hopes he and God helps her heal in the ways she needs to.
Me and Mekhi are MD bound with a whole new world waiting for us.
Joshua 24:15 saids it best.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Joshua+24%3A15&version=KJV
As the head of Mekhi's household, it's my responsibility to speak for him. Till he can speak for himself. And I intend to raise him to the best of my abilities. Nothing on his Mom and the New Guy but I know what I can do. It seems to be working so far. Not too sure about them. No gambles on this one, homes. But it's def not a keep him from her kinda deal.
Now check THIS out !! .. the whole time I was praying to God for family, family .. FAMILY. He said you NEED family? How about your Mom who've you disconnected from over this girl (My Mom wanted me to marry her so badly .. I think that might have played a small part in my hesitation .. among other things).
Your sister, your many cousins, your Favorite uncle (and his big ole house) .. and all those friends you have back there that you haven't seen in years? Exercise your new found revelations about family, love and God there. Grow your family again, from the ground up. That is what you need boy.
And after all that, my heart was at peace, fam. I got back in that car .. put on that track again .. --- shed a small tear and Thanked God. Starting putting some bass back into m voice. Me and Mekhi enjoyed the day .. hit up Monkey Joe's and ran around the complex backyards. Raced him on his tricycle for a little bit .. took it back in and fed him some Cassava leaf. Boy loves him so Cassava leaf.
You bout to get the whole variety where we're going homie. Cassava Leaf, Palm Butter, Pumpkin Soup, Potatoe Greens .. everything. Food for the soul baby.
Now that was some home cooking for my own soul.
It brought me much closer to God than I have ever been.
Told y'all though. This stuff got emotional man .. cause that was my heart. It felt good though .. to know that I had that much capacity for love and pain in my soul. And that it came from such an honest place.
This stuff really opened my eyes to the value of family though. And cherishing the people in your life while that are actively in it and not only when you realize they may be leaving. Well worth it !! .. Hard headed as I can be, I seriously doubt I'll forget this lesson anytime soon.
And the Lord said, the family I'll give you .. is going to be the one you need. Not the one you want. I would probably have never made the right call on my own. I needed him for that. Can't wait to get back to my family maan. Feeling like Scrooge after the Christmas Carol movies.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VZ3lr3urgDU
Miss my Momma being in the number one spot. We'll be in your hood soon, baby. After all, you're the only Grandma he has left now. How Deepy He Needs You Now.
Next stop .. MD. I'll let y'all know how that goes once we're posted.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWhVSWbwvzY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsOPVCK745I
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